Terminus
by Cerridwen7777
Summary: Spoiler for Abandon All Hope! The last moments of the Harvelles...
1. Mother

**It broke me. Abandon All Hope earned its way into my top 5 episodes with these moments. I've always liked Jo and Ellen, and this episode shattered me. I can't remember the last time SPN made me cry, REALLY cry, but this? The last moments of the Harvelles were moments of excruciating brilliance. **

**Please review.**

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**I don't believe any of us were afraid of the physical part of dying. The emotion is rather one of almost desperate reluctance to give up the future.**_

_**-Ernie Pyle**_

Not like this. Don't you dare, don't you dare. When I looked up into their faces I knew it, but I ignored the truth I saw there. I refused to believe it, refused to accept it. It wasn't until she spoke up, told it like it was, that the truth bored into me and shattered my heart. When did my little girl get so brave?

I spent my whole life trying to prevent this moment, to keep her safe, my only child. The only link to my last lover. I saw her father in her face, and somehow she became both child and spouse to me. I couldn't protect him, but I sure as hell was going to protect her.

But Fate is a bitch and she drew my daughter here to this, despite everything I did to prevent it. My child is growing weaker and paler with every second, with every heartbeat. The pain and rage inside me is indescribable as I look into her frightened, glazed, weary eyes. A mother bear ain't got nothin' on me. I'm going to save her.

But then she tells me how it's going to be. My feisty little girl grew into a rebellious teenager, who grew into a stubborn young lady. And now she's grown into a strong, brave woman, and she lays it on the line to me, argues, argues like always. But this time she's right, and that kills me.

Too few years.

I want to scream, I want to fight, want to punch and kick and scratch and bite and kill, _kill _the ones responsible for this. I want to see their blood on my hands, taste it on my tongue, swallow it down in scalding, gulping mouthfuls. I want to tear these bastards into pieces with my bare hands and spit on their remains.

But in the end, what I want more than anything is to take it all back. I want my husband back. I want my daughter back. I want the life I knew before back. But I can't have that. And I won't stay here alone. I won't let her be alone at the end. I want her to feel my touch. I want her last moment to be one of love, not fear.

I pull her against me, feel her rest her head on my shoulder like she used to when she was young. Here we sit at the end of the world, mother and daughter facing down death, together and not alone.

And as I realize she is gone, gone on without me, I feel a pain like I never knew existed, a pain so brutal that it nearly kills me all on its own. I also realize that I have nothing left. I have to follow. I won't let my baby be alone.

I feel the breath of hell on my neck and I know. This will be my final revenge for what they did to my little girl. My bull-headed, stiff-necked, brave, little girl. I'll see you in a minute, love.


	2. Daughter

**This was supposed to be a oneshot. It ain't. This moment was too deep and poignant to cover in one short moment. Please review. I answer all reviews on my LJ site.**

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**Unsung, the noblest deed will die.**_

_**-Pindar**_

I'm ashamed of the terror that I feel. I'm so afraid, so scared that I can hardly stand it, but I'm not gonna show it. I'm strong, dammit. I'm brave. I'm gonna make my daddy proud. _Oh, Daddy, please help me. It hurts so much…_

They're talking, talking, talking, planning on how to get out, how to get us all out of here. They don't understand. I'm not going anywhere. This is going to be my crypt. They don't understand. But I can give them one last gift, one last chance. This is my moment.

I make my voice strong. I make my point heard. I make them see that I'm a lost cause, and that this is my choice and they have no say in it. I make them understand that this is the only way. But what they don't hear is the voice screaming deep inside my mind for someone to save me. I'll never let them hear that voice. I have to be strong. Be brave. I smile a smile to hide my fear.

How did it come to this? He presses the trigger in my palm, enfolds my hand in his. He looks at me, his eyes showing me the anguish of knowing that he will soon lose someone he cares about. So he cares about me. Too little, too late. Too fucking late. He kisses my forehead and I hear the breath hitch in his chest. Even his lips on mine are no comfort. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. So unfair. So damned unfair.

I feel my heart flutter in my chest, but it's not from his kiss. Deep inside me, I understand. After my years of watching and studying hunters, I know that this flutter means more. It means that my heart is trying to compensate, trying to make up for all the blood I've lost. My body is failing.

_Daddy…please…I don't want to die, not like this…Mom…_

My mother kneels in front of me, looks me in the eyes, searches me the way only she ever could. And then the understanding hits me like a shock of electricity. She is staying. _No. You can't. Not for me. _But she is as stubborn as I am. And deep inside there is relief, a relief which fills me with horror and shame. _I don't want to die alone._

They are coming. I feel her arm around my shoulder and I tip sideways into her. I can't find the strength to hold my head up any longer and it lolls on her shoulder. I can smell her shampoo and her perfume over the stink of my own blood, and it comforts me somehow. My world is fading into a pinpoint, vision darkening, mind quieting…but I know that she's there. And as the darkness folds around me like a cold embrace, I hear her words.

"_I will always love you, baby."_


	3. Soulmate

**If you go to my Livejournal page and look at the video titled Lost Along the Way, you'll see what drove this story.**

**Please review.**

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_**We owe respect to the living; the dead we owe only the truth.**_

_**-Voltaire**_

She saved my life. She came back for me, saved me. Hell, she did it twice, now that I think of it. But now…now…damn. Another person will die trying to save me. Damn this fucking war to hell.

I see right away that there's no hope. The blood is deep and red and thick, so much blood. I can see it in her glazed, bewildered eyes. No fucking hope.

As I look at her bleeding there, dying there, I remember the girl she used to be, not so long ago. She wanted so badly to be like her father, to follow his footsteps. Sound familiar? We understood each other. And I know that she wanted more from me. But I couldn't be what she needed me to be. I couldn't keep her safe, couldn't protect both her and Sam. I couldn't be the man she needed, much less the man she deserved. So I left her behind, treated her cold and left her. She was supposed to walk away. She was supposed to move on. She was supposed to be safe and happy.

But life isn't fair, and now here we are again. There's blood and pain and death lurking near, and there's nothing that I can do. Again, a failure. The words escape me when I try to tell Bobby, and tears press my voice into silence. I don't know if I can watch another friend die…

What comfort can I give? I can't do anything…I can't offer her any consolation, any reassurance. She knows. I see that in her eyes. Her eyes, they nearly kill me. The dazed light is gone now and the fear and sadness and pain and resignation are so clear, though she's trying to hide it all, to be brave. But I see.

And she knows what she has to do. She doesn't hesitate, paints it out clear, lays down the law. She's a hunter, after all. A damn good hunter. I wish I would have told her so. She does her best to hide what I know she is feeling. Her forced smile is a lie.

She looks up at me and her stoic mask slips for only a moment. I see her fear, her sadness, so clearly, and it almost breaks me. As I kiss her forehead her skin is damp with sweat, and it leaves the taste of salt and blood on my lips. Death is near, so near. My breath catches as pain stabs my chest, the pain of loss, of grief, of regret. I kiss her again, kiss her the way I know she has wanted, and all I can think of are missed opportunities, wasted moments, lost time. Her lips are so cold.

I don't want to let go. If I let go, then I have to walk away. I can't bring myself to say the word goodbye. So I turn away from her without speaking, suck all the pain down into my gut and save it…I want to be strong for her.

There are so many things I want to say. But the words don't come.


End file.
